What to say to the bereaved

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Or rather what to do to the bereaved..I don't know. I struggle on this. But I would prefer to go to funerals rather than attend graduation ceremonies (I did not attend my MS graduation), wedding ceremonies and birthday parties. I am not melancholy but I learn a lot in funerals and burials. The hardest thing, for me, when I go to one is what to say to the bereaved. Or rather what not to say to the bereaved..Especially if I am close to the person. (Walsh-Burke) enumerated comfort attempts that do more harm than good.

(1) Saying "I know how you feel" or "I understand."

(2) Talking about your own losses (me-too-ism).

(3) Giving unsolicited advice.

(4) Using clichés.

(5) Challenging the other person's perception of their situation or feelings.

I think in situations like this, the element of time has to be respected. Acceptance heals the pain but it takes time. My close friend whose mother died told me that the hardest part is after the burial when everybody else have left. That's when the real grief takes over. It is therefore important to stand by the person until the wounds are healed.

Reference:

(1) Walsh-Burke, K., 2006, Grief and Loss: Theories and Skills for Helping Professionals, 1st Ed., p. 78, New York: Pearson Education